The Nickname Trap

As an entry level worker, you’re probably familiar with the hazards of the phone system. It does, after all, fall within your job description to make all that ringing cease. So, you better be fast and you better be savvy ; because, when four phone lines are ringing and your bosses aren’t making any moves to pick up the receiver themselves, your excuse of only having two hands (or two ears) simply will not suffice.

Divide and conquer, my friend. Divide. And. Conquer.

First, you must master all of the tricks available to you on your phone console. That means: conferencing, transferring, overhead paging… You need to be able to do that shit in your sleep because there is simply no time to think about finger movements when those menacing little red lights are popping up like bed bugs all over your phone bed. How many times must you hit the conference button? And on which lines? Must you open a new line? Do you need to hit conference, before transfer? Which numbers dial up the office intercom? And should you hit any keys first to grab people’s attention? Please take notes. There will be a test.

Next, you must learn to quickly identify which calls are of high importance and which calls are not. Please note that excelling in school has not prepared you for this duty. No, unfortunately, this skill falls entirely under the realm of street smarts and it is easier said than done.  You either have them or you don’t.

For example, you might think that anyone close to your boss is of the utmost importance. And that is true, but there is nuance involved. Surely, no one wants to be the entry level worker bee who picks up a call from “Betty”, requesting to speak with your boss, Mr. Smith… and you ask with whom she is calling… or what this call is regarding… or, even worse, “Betty who?”… only to be scolded, “BETTY SMITH, HIS WIFE.”

But, at the same time, we entry levelers must be wary. The higher up your boss is, the more talented the people calling them will be at mimicking importance. That brings us to today’s legend. It comes to us from Zach, an entry level worker at a prestigious biotech company… who was tasked with manning the phones… on a dark and stormy night, when his admin was out. Take it away, Zach.

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“They made me answer phones for the day, but no one ever calls except for internal people from the hq office. So, I figured it’d be okay, until I got a call from some woman who said she was a friend of "Kathy." (The brilliant, but terrifying Vice President of my office is named Kathleen. She holds degrees from Stanford and Harvard. She’s a tough Irish Catholic executive. And she’s written Congressional acts that have been signed into law. Anybody calling her by the nickname of “Kathy” had to be important.) And I was like, oh shit better patch her through right away. 

So, I successfully transfer her over (which is a big accomplishment because that shit is not taught in econ stats). And I'm thinking I'm doing alright.

5 minutes later, "Kathy" walks into my cube, says in a completely bone chilling monotone voice, “Don't ever fucking do that again,” and walks out before I can say anything.

Turns out I had transferred through some random political fundraiser, trying to guilt trip biotech execs into giving money by posing as their friends.

I had to run after her, apologizing and begging her not to fire me. And, for the rest of the day, I told anyone who called that Kathleen was in a meeting and would call them back."

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Ouch, Zach. You’ve fallen victim to the nickname trap. Welcome to the entry level.